A couple of weeks ago, I published a short dictionary of theological and spiritual terms; now it’s time I do the same for political terms.
So for those of you who don’t know the meaning a certain word or phrase in the current political discourse, here you go.
Please remember, this is meant to be humorous (though my humor is admittedly quite morbid at times):
Alt-right – a cool, hip kind of racism.
Anarchist – someone who wants to bring the system down, but tries to benefit from it at the same time.
Anarcho-primitivist – A rich kid who takes pride in looking and smelling like a hobo.
Basket of Deplorables – What Hillary Clinton is getting for Christmas.
Blue Lives Matter – Political campaign for the rights of smurfs.
Capitalist – someone who profits off the labor of others, but cries foul when others do the same.
Communist – Anyone whose political views are more liberal than my own.
Conservative – Someone who believes all rich white men are created equal.
Conspiracy Theory – Widely believed “news” story that has little or no factual basis. “I read it on the Internet, so it must be true!”
DAPL – acronym for “Defrauder’s Authorization to Plunder the Land.”
Democrat – Someone who wants the empire to die slowly and painfully.
Election – Process where Americans find the most despicable people on the planet and give them positions of power.
Fascist – Anyone whose political views are more conservative than my own.
Green Party – A large gathering of potheads.
Heritage Not Hate – Bumper sticker that means, “I’m a stupid POS who deserves to have my truck set on fire.”
Hillary – least-popular name for a girl born in 2016.
Isolationist – Someone who has the audacity to suggest that maybe we shouldn’t be trying to police the whole world.
Jesus – Someone who is sick and tired of his name being used in political campaigns.
Kardashians – The people who actually run America.
Liberal – Someone who believes we should all be equally miserable.
Libertarian – An anarchist who wants to be rich.
Libertarian Socialist – Someone who believes in both limited government and redistribution of wealth. Slightly less common than the unicorn.
Make America Great Again – Campaign slogan meaning “I’m going to screw you, and you’re going to act like you enjoy it.”
Nationalism – Most popular religion in the United States.
The Onion – The most accurate news-source, currently.
Politics – Compound word formed from the terms “poly” (many) and “ticks” (blood-sucking leeches.)
Propaganda – Whatever my political opponent says.
Qdoba – Where Donald Trump goes for “ethnic” food.
Republican – Default political party of the religious right.
Socialist – A communist who hasn’t come out of the closet yet.
TRUMP – acronym for “That Rubbish Under My Porch.”
USA – acronym for “Underwater, Sedated and Apathetic.”
Vulgarity – Most common form of political speech.
West Russia – Nation formerly known as “the United States of America.”
Xenophobe – Someone who hates foreigners – except those that are good for business, of course.
Youtube – Where most Americans get their political news.
Zero – Chances of electing a “good” candidate to office.